Why I blog and connections....

I know many people can't understand why I would want to keep a blog. Some can see the benefit of a blog that promotes your business or creates an income in some way. However when you write about all your personal stuff it really baffles some people. Why don't you just keep a journal, is often asked of me. Why would you want everyone to be able to read all about your life.

Well....

For much of my life I kept a lot of things very close to my chest.

For me not being able to talk about those things meant it was all suppressed and became a weight that was too heavy to bear.

When I started this blog - at Milly's suggestion - I realised very quickly how therapeutic I found it and how easy I found it to share how I was feeling and for the first time in my life I felt in control and made the decision to be open about my life. I also began to see how working through things in a post and pressing the button to send it our 'there' released the emotions and freed up my mind. It is so very different from keeping a very private journal. I rarely keep a post in draft form and ponder whether to post or not. Ninety nine per cent of the time I write it - maybe over a day - then post it. It works best for me to let it go and move on. There are things I would like to talk about from my past, because they would affect others I respect that and choose not to.

My struggles are the same as many other peoples struggles. I also know from comments and email that my ramblings help others too.

I accept there are problems with the Internet and there are some very strange people out there - not you obviously ;-)) - for some people that would be enough to stop them and that would obviously be their choice.
There are many things in life to be fearful of and thinking of what 'might' happen can paralyse us.
Life is full of dangers and weighing up the risks, I have decided that - for me - it is not a valid enough reason to stop me posting.

Yesterday whilst Milly and I were at odds with each other she mentioned she was fed up with telling a friend a story and her friend saying ' oh I know I read it ' or 'my Mum told me' her Mum obviously having read my blog. I became very defensive and told her that I always asked her if she is happy for me to post about subjects that are about her. She denied this and it deteriorated into 'I did' , 'you didn't' type of behaviour - yes I know, very grown up of me!!

I had to let go of my immediate defensive feelings and really listen to her words. There was a resentment in her statements. My understanding was that the 'real' reason for her dissatisfaction was her feeling that I wasn't spending enough time with her. Even though we are 'together' all day every day the actual quality of our interactions has not been the same as normal.

 Having full on holidays and sleepovers have been huge fun but have required down time for both of us. The flow of our days is changing Milly has been through a growth spurt. She is spending much more time on her own and is going through her hibernating phase. Sleeping til late and then wanting to watch TV in the living room with the curtains closed. She is not ill or depressed at all - she is merely transitioning. For the last couple of weeks I have spent my mornings ( whilst she is snoozing )  in the kitchen and sun room doing the household jobs that need to be done, preparing meals and planning our trip to London ( next week ) by doing research online for opening times, location etc so that the trip goes as smoothly as is possible and Milly has an idea of where we will be and what we are doing each day.

When Milly wakes I make her breakfast and she tootles off into the living room. I could, and on many occasions, do sit with her but I really find it hard to sit in a darkened room all day! She hasn't been keen to do any of the things I have suggested and I admit to feeling angry with her lack of enthusiasm and apparent laziness. Did I actually try hard enough or was it easier to let her do her thing because
I have been tired and fed up - feeling trapped - I want to work but know that in reality I am still not well enough to hold down a job. I have been feeling I have no choices and my negative thinking has obviously coloured how I react day to day. I have not felt as open to making opportunities during the day to connect and patience has been thin on the ground.

She doesn't see all the things I do for her day to day like making meals from scratch/baking, researching items online that might interest her or expand on a topic she is interested in and all the other little things I do for her. She just sees that I am not present with her. What she needs right now is more time with me. She could still do what she wants to do but I could have spent more time with her - even if it was in small chunks so I wasn't sitting in the dark too long :-)) That might mean just sitting watching TV with her but I know from past experience that once the connection is strong and time is spent together conversations are had and from that things occur naturally and activities/outings happen without even thinking about them. Because of my own tiredness I have taken my eye of the ball and scored an own goal;-))

Having a talk with Milly yesterday we agreed to compromise with each other and to ensure we were communicating and both getting our needs met. To be fair to Milly she isn't spending all day in front of the TV. Our body clocks are out of sync and she is bubbling and ready to create or do things when I am ready to wind down. I wish I had more energy. I wish I didn't have ME and I wish I wasn't going through the roller coaster ride that is the Menopause but they are both facts of my life and we have to just work out the best way to make things work for us. Our partnership is changing she doesn't need me in quite the same way - which is as it should be. It won't take much to tweak things. I understand her pattern and know she will move through this phase and come out bouncing...

We have also talked about her negative feeling about the blog. Our lack of connection meant that - knowing how much I enjoy writing on it - she had transferred her negative emotions to it. She agreed that I had always asked her about posting anything that might be sensitive to her but it was the day to day things that she was talking about and as my day to day and her day to day are inextricably linked there is little I can do about that if I continue to blog.
 She understands this blog is important to me and that  - although I will never write intimate things about her without her say so - there will always be an overlap because she is a very big and important part of my life and I would have little to write about my days if I couldn't mention her and what we do as my day usually involves her in some way, shape, or form:-)
 Now that the air has been cleared her animosity towards my blogging has also cleared.
 Oh and a cornetto helped!
When I asked her what I could do to make things better for her she asked if she could have a
cornetto :-))