Saying goodbye to Simon.....

A week ago today we had a phone call that shocked us all.

Our Nephew -  Alan's brother's son - had taken his own life.

In the early hours of the morning he had taken a ladder and rope and walked to a tree a couple of hundred yards from the house he lived in.

 He was only twenty five.

We travelled through late that afternoon to be with Al's brother.

 Lisa very kindly looked after Milly. She had wanted to go but was also concerned about how she would react with people who would be so very upset - she feels other peoples emotions so deeply.

 J divorced from Simon's Mum over 20 years ago. For various reasons we lost contact with her. Over the years we saw Simon and his Sister on occasions when they were with J. Alan's family history is a difficult and complicated story - suffice to say J has little contact with the rest of his family apart from Alan.

In the last week we have been in constant contact with J by phone.

Simon's body was to be taken back to his mothers house on Thursday, to be laid in his childhood bedroom. We wanted to go to see him and to be there as support for J. It was quite difficult knowing we would be seeing people we hadn't seen for so many years and in such tragic circumstances. We knew that all differences have been put aside and they have been united in their grief and to do what is right for Simon now.

 We were apprehensive as we approached the house - we could see the hearse just leaving and knew Simon had just been brought home. We had arranged with J and J ( his ex) that it would be ok to visit him but it felt intrusive somehow. We were also - understandably I think - nervous about seeing Simon.

We were greeted warmly at the door by Simon's Gran who welcomed us in. Walking in to the house the memories came flooding back of the times I stayed with them when the children were small. I spent time with them when Alan was at sea and J was away in the Army. I saw Simon and his Sister N play fighting with each other on the sofa and Simon running through the dining room to go out to the yard. I remembered all the times J and I had nattered and drank coffee whilst the children played. I had expected it to be emotional but hadn't expected the way the images came so quickly and realistically, tears flowed as we greeted everybody.

I felt so emotional to see everybody and I felt so useless - I so wanted to say something to make it better -  but of course nothing could.

J, J and N were all upstairs with Simon when we arrived. We had coffee and sat with the rest of the J's family and waited. Simon's Gran said how glad she was that we had come and how important it was for J to have the support from his family at this time.

They all came downstairs and I just wanted to hug them all tightly.

 I felt so conscious that it had been many years since we had seen each other but as I hugged J ( Simon's Mum ) it was as if the years had melted away.

We eventually made our way upstairs and stood next to the casket. Alan's Brother J had affectionately said Simon was looking the smartest he ever had done. It was true, he looked so handsome in his smart black suit. He looked peaceful and - although it was heatbreaking to see him - for us it has helped in the whole grieving process.

We had more tea and talked with members of the family before taking J ( Al's brother ) to the place Simon took his life. We had some flowers to lay. Simon's Uncle on his Mums's side also came with us.

It was good to see where it had happened and to peice together his movements that night.

No one has any idea why Simon took his life. After a few tough years things were on the up for him. People who spoke to him on the days prior all say he was upbeat and had no sign of depression. He had some special needs but had amazing support and love from all his close relatives. His Dad spoke to him every day on the phone and saw him nearly every day. 

It might be that an answer will never be found and although it is hard not knowing why he did it the sad fact is that knowing will not bring him back.

The funeral is to be held on Thusday with over one hundred and fifty people likely to attend. Milly has said she would like to go but we have told her she can change her mind at any time. My Mum has kindly offered to come with us and if Milly feels overwhelmed she will be able to take her back to their house.

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Mary Frye, American poet (1904 - 2004)