"Although I speak from my own experience, I feel that no one has the right to impose his or her beliefs on another person. I will not propose to you that my way is best. The decision is up to you. If you find some point which may be suitable for you, then you can carry out experiments for yourself. If you find that it is off no use, then you can discard it." Dalai Lama...

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Feeling blue

Milly has been slightly better today,but has developed a rather interesting rash on her legs.She is so washed out and very weak so has spent time snuggled in our bed listening to story tapes and drawing.She has been more mobile today and I am hoping she will have a more restful night tonight,last night I was pushed to the end of the bed, battered by flailing arms and had incredibly loud snoring right in my ear, as it seemed impossible for her to spend any time away from my body and if ever I managed to move she soon clamped herself next to me again,bless :-)

I started this morning in a very low mood,I hate hormones:-(
I had begun to enjoy feeling happy.The thing I hate most is the sudden dip in self esteem( not necessarily just down to hormones but exacerbated by them), it is as if a plug has been pulled ,one minute your feeling OK about yourself, seem to have a handle on life,accept you are not every one's cup of tea and you can't please all the people all the time, next minute you are incapable of going outside in case you bump into someone and god forbid you may have talk to them and anyway why would anyone want to talk to you, what have you got to say that is in any way interesting, funny whatever.Every thing gets blown out of proportion and suddenly the fact that someone hasn't answered an email is because you must have done something wrong to upset them rather than the simple fact they are probably busy.

So it was in this frame of mind that I had to steele myself to go to my monthly meditation with three friends. We have been together a long time and know all about each other,we don't see each other often outside our monthly meditations but we have long personal and spiritual conversations and I know they don't judge me but still in my head I had a battle as to whether to go or not.Do they really like me or are they just putting up with me ,feeling sorry for me? I know this snapshot into my thinking process is perhaps familiar to some and to others who may not have these doubts it will seem ludicrous.

I decided to go and am so glad I did. Within seconds I felt welcomed and accepted, they really are a special bunch of women.We talked and had a lovely relaxing meditation about opening your heart and loving yourself, how apt, almost like it was meant to be!!!! I got the top up I needed and have managed to pull myself back from the pit of doom ;-))

I have also been to see my homeopath and had a good chat with her so am sorted with remedies to see me through this dip.I don't actually feel depressed,I just have no fight in me at the moment.It will return it always does and the meditation today helped,I just have to work on changing the negative thinking and putting some positives in there to counteract them.I wish I had a better opinion of myself and my ability's,I wish I could see what others say they see in me but even at the best of times I am a mass of self doubts and am easily crushed.

Tommorow is another day and it will be a better than today xx


Michelle said...

Sleep is restorative too. Hope you get more tonight.

People wouldn't keep popping by here if they like what they found.

I would write more lucidly and eloquently but am tired myself. xx

Emma said...

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Hope you and Milly feel better soon.

Take care

Stacie said...

I hope Milly, and you, slept better last night!

I could have written this post!

I often have sudden dips in self-esteem, for no real reason at all, except for the way I feel. It's rather annoying. I often feel that I have nothing interesting or funny to say, and why would anyone want to listen to me anyway. And the whole waiting for an email response thing, I've been there.

Luckily these feelings don't last very long, and I'm on to more rational thoughts and getting on with my life.

I totally understand I don't find your doubts at all ludicrous! But I find you and your blog both interesting and funny, as well as insightful and inspiring. So even if you may feel down and blue, it really isn't the way others see you!

I know what you mean about wishing you had a better opinion of yourself and your abilities. I do too. I also have plenty of self-doubts and am easily crushed. But I work on it everyday, enjoy the good days and fight through the bad ones.

I hope today is better for you!

Lynn said...

Thank you all for your good wishes.I know it is irrational but there are some day's it just isn't possible to see clearly.
My glasses have been cleaned and I have given myself a good talking too and I am feeling more like myself today xx

piscesgrrl said...

I hate those roller coaster emotions! I struggled with them for a long time. Still do a bit, but have got my hormones in check now. I think it's also a sign that during those times we're meant to be quiet, still, not do much of anything. But reality usually says otherwise!