Milly has been slightly better today,but has developed a rather interesting rash on her legs.She is so washed out and very weak so has spent time snuggled in our bed listening to story tapes and drawing.She has been more mobile today and I am hoping she will have a more restful night tonight,last night I was pushed to the end of the bed, battered by flailing arms and had incredibly loud snoring right in my ear, as it seemed impossible for her to spend any time away from my body and if ever I managed to move she soon clamped herself next to me again,bless :-)
I started this morning in a very low mood,I hate hormones:-(
I had begun to enjoy feeling happy.The thing I hate most is the sudden dip in self esteem( not necessarily just down to hormones but exacerbated by them), it is as if a plug has been pulled ,one minute your feeling OK about yourself, seem to have a handle on life,accept you are not every one's cup of tea and you can't please all the people all the time, next minute you are incapable of going outside in case you bump into someone and god forbid you may have talk to them and anyway why would anyone want to talk to you, what have you got to say that is in any way interesting, funny whatever.Every thing gets blown out of proportion and suddenly the fact that someone hasn't answered an email is because you must have done something wrong to upset them rather than the simple fact they are probably busy.
So it was in this frame of mind that I had to steele myself to go to my monthly meditation with three friends. We have been together a long time and know all about each other,we don't see each other often outside our monthly meditations but we have long personal and spiritual conversations and I know they don't judge me but still in my head I had a battle as to whether to go or not.Do they really like me or are they just putting up with me ,feeling sorry for me? I know this snapshot into my thinking process is perhaps familiar to some and to others who may not have these doubts it will seem ludicrous.
I decided to go and am so glad I did. Within seconds I felt welcomed and accepted, they really are a special bunch of women.We talked and had a lovely relaxing meditation about opening your heart and loving yourself, how apt, almost like it was meant to be!!!! I got the top up I needed and have managed to pull myself back from the pit of doom ;-))
I have also been to see my homeopath and had a good chat with her so am sorted with remedies to see me through this dip.I don't actually feel depressed,I just have no fight in me at the moment.It will return it always does and the meditation today helped,I just have to work on changing the negative thinking and putting some positives in there to counteract them.I wish I had a better opinion of myself and my ability's,I wish I could see what others say they see in me but even at the best of times I am a mass of self doubts and am easily crushed.
Tommorow is another day and it will be a better than today xx