"Although I speak from my own experience, I feel that no one has the right to impose his or her beliefs on another person. I will not propose to you that my way is best. The decision is up to you. If you find some point which may be suitable for you, then you can carry out experiments for yourself. If you find that it is off no use, then you can discard it." Dalai Lama...

Saturday, 9 February 2008

Thinking things through.

Your Brain is Green

Of all the brain types, yours has the most balance.

You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver.

You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual).

I wish I'd had a little balance today!!

Sometime ago Emily had said she wanted to go on a trip with Brownies ,we talked about the fact she would be going on a bus and she would be out for most of the day, everything was good, I booked her place and paid the money.

Over the last week or so she has been having a few wobbles,she thought her best friend would be going but isn't, she doesn't know any of the other girls very well so that was a big problem for her. She also has a problem about travelling as she worries a lot (to the point of a phobia) about not being able to go to the toilet when she wants to. It can be quite extreme and once when we were in France on holiday I had to go to the bathroom 7 or 8 times when we were in a cafe in a village we were visiting.It was a small place with a lot of locals sitting having lunch they must have wondered what the heck was going on, we did get some funny looks!!! On our first day at Flamingo land with my sister and Nephew we spent more time walking back and forth to the loos than we did in any que and on occasion had to leave the que to go in search of one as she would begin to panic she would need to go while we were on a ride. It happens on most trips but she seems to be better when she knows a place or the initial few days of a holiday are over.

Any how last night she was a little nervous but we had a chat and it all seemed fine.Then this morning she did not want to go.Alan and I tried to talk her through her fears and then I am sad to say mentioned the money that it had cost and the fact that another little girl could have taken her place,we tried to cajole her into going, there was no way we were going to force her but we were frustrated that this was happening again, eventually her choice was not to go.

I know that if she had just given it a chance she would have got through the short journey and had a great day , perhaps being able to make friends with the other girls she doesn't know very well. When she came home from Brownies last Monday Alan asked how it had gone and she said Oh good and bad and then started to cry.It seems they had been playing a game and Emily and another girl had been out and had sat at the side together and I think they had been talking and Emily had asked the girl if she would be her friend ,Emily said she didn't hear the girls answer fully she as got up to go to her group of friends,but thought she heard her say, no I have lots of friends already. Emily is so sensitive and it broke her heart that she didn't want to be friends with her.

I have felt really mixed emotions all day.I felt helpless and wanted to make everything right for her but know that I can't and shouldn't, this is something she will get through on her own, and my job is to be there to support her.I was angry about the money we had lost again,things are tight and we can't keep throwing it away.Most of all I wasn't happy that I had tried to coerce her into going instead of just accepting her reasons as being valid and allowing her to make a decision without making her feel bad.I am dissapointed I hoped I had moved on and would of handled it better.

I will learn from this experience,in future I will help her to see the positives but accept and not get frustrated when a situation proves to hard for her to cope with, even if I can see the benefits for her if she could just give it a go.I will stop blaming myself for having done something wrong in raising her and accept that this is Emily and she will do things in her own time when she is able to......


My name is Stacie. said...

My son is a homebody and doesn't like to do too many outings. He will agree to go, and then change his mind. He is not as sensitive though, and doesn't seem to need to have friends. I can see that difference between girls and boys. I however, was exactly like Emily as a child. So sensitive, worried about EVERYTHING, and always wanted people to like me/be my friend. I grew out of most of it, although not fully. Somethings I think are just hard-wired into us. Don't be too hard on yourself. She will forgive any of your shortcomings, as I am sure she knows you love her. It is hard to try to encourage without pushing, I know very well. Just keep on keepin' on, and blogging about it, and you will have the support of your fellow cyber home/unschoolers.

Lynn said...

I too was very similar to Emily as a child ,I can feel what she goes through and it makes me sad, I am sure 99% of mums would feel the same.I have (as we all do) a lot of baggage from the past that unfortunately gets in the way of dealing with a situation rationaly as very often my own stuff gets mixed up in it and it can take me a while to think it through and accept this is Emily's way and not something I have done or not done in the way I have brought her up.It is very wearing to be constantly blaming myself.Last night I sat for ages trying to write what I wanted to say and it was through the process of writing it down that I was able to make sense of my own thoughts,simply by trying to make them make sense for others to read!! I never wanted this blog to be an opportunity to moan but I did set out to be as honest as I could about situations,I wanted it to be real. In doing so I hope I don't come accross as a total nutcase, there I go worrying about what others think again!!!!
I appreciate your support xxxx

My name is Stacie. said...

Isnt' it amazing how writing it down can magically sort it all out and help us make sense of our lives. That's what I love best about writing.

I don't think you moan in your blogging, and I appreciate your honesty. I think your blog is very real, and that's what keeps me reading. (Oh, and your British accent! ;-) Seriously though, I don't think you are a total nutcase, so don't worry. We all have a little nuttiness in us. I know I do!

piscesgrrl said...

Well if you're a nutcase, so am I! :) I find writing to be very therapeutic - sometimes the answers come to me as I write it out. But another value to sharing your concerns and "bumps in the road" is that others can chime in with support, suggestions, validation, etc. I know I learn so much from others who've "been there" but I can't always get what I need if I don't share where I'm stuck.

As for the whole money and coercing-her-to-go thing, a couple of thoughts come to mind. My youngest had similar issues so we just did very little socially for a long time. And if he did want to try something, I made sure I was right there with him. I'd help him through the rough spots; I'd 'protect' him by smoothing transitions if I thought others might be less accomodating. I also gave him a LOT of information so he could make a good decision as to whether or not he wanted to go, and what to expect.

As for money, I know it's hard to lose out on money, especially when funds are low, but consider this - if you already paid, she didn't want to go, but you *make* her go, you just paid money to make your child miserable. You know? You're not getting what you hoped from your investment (a lovely experience for your child), so the money is already lost. Sometimes that happens. It's no different from buying a food you're sure you'll love and hating it. You could still eat it, but either way, the investment is a bust because now you've paid to eat something you really don't like. It just gives you more information on how to make better decisions next time.

Hope that helps! And stop beating yourself up - that is normal (been there, done that) but it's ok to not have all the answers. That's how we grow and evolve. You're trying, you're working on it, you're questioning and seeking answers - that already makes you an amazing parent!

Lynn said...

Hello Laura, thanks so much it does help and I think I might just have turned a corner,it does seem as though I have had to go through all the self doubt to come to a place where I understand things better.
So true about the money and something Alan and I had said to each other after the event when we had talked it through.
I feel so lucky to have this opportunity to grow in ways we would not have done had Emily still been at school.